I remember as a kid, grabbing Mom's Good Housekeeping magazine and flipping through to find the "fun page." Sometimes there was a little comic (I seem to remember Family Circus and Bernstein Bears) and my favorite - the Erma Bombeck column, or little paragraph actually. She'd write about some ordinary everyday thing and it would be SO true, and SO funny. I loved the way she wrote. I loved how you could completely know of her respect and love for life, for family, but she was human and frustrating things frustrated her and she chose to write about it and laugh, or cry and laugh, instead of just sinking into dispair. I remember reading or hearing that when she had small children, she set up a playpen so she could type and have her children with her - but SHE and her typewriter were in the playpen with her children playing around the outside.Modern day blogging (journaling), and having an outlet to share our frustrations and our joys with our family and friends, or with the world, or with nobody, is such good therapy. And reading others who are in equally goofy, or even more goofy circumstances is SO good for the soul. Thank you to blog writers for sharing these experiences in the clever and healing way you write about them. Thank you for the smiles and tears and giggles you give us, you give me.
Here's a few of Erma's quotes I found online to add a smile to your day:
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
"In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television."
"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids."
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
"I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it."
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there."
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
"Youngsters of the age of 2 and 3 are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."
"A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste."
"I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows."
"I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined, 'Are you saving the bananas for anything?'"
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?"
"I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, 'Never mind! I'll do it myself.'"
"You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed."
"When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States."
"Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the Tv set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed."
"No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday."
"Mother's words of wisdom: 'Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!'"
"I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said, 'It hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.'"
"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, 'What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on.'"
"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are re served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, 'Could I get you your check?' and we answered, 'How about the menu first?'"
"Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets carsick and who isn't kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what's going to happen if he doesn't get in right away. It's tough. If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together."
"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."
"Children make your life important."
"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."
"Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think we have failed."
1975 - "As I was hiding from them in the backseat of the car just last week, it occurred to me that I don't know children at all. I'm raising three of them, and yet they remain one of life's greatest mysteries. For example, I don't understand how come a child can climb up on a roof, scale the TV antenna and rescue the cat, yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance. Or how come a child can eat yellow snow, kiss the dog on the lips, chew gum that he found in an ashtray, put his mouth over a muddy garden hose nozzle, and refuse to drink from a glass his brother has just used? Why is it he can stand wih one foot on first base while reaching out and plucking a baseball off the ground with the tips of his fingers, yet cannot pick up a piece of soap before it melts into the drain? ... How come I can trip over a kid's shoes under the kitchen sink, in the bathroom, on the front porch, under the coffee table, in the sandbox, in the car, in the clothes hamper and on the washer, but we can never find them when it is time to cut the grass? ... I'll never understand how a child can't even seem to find his English book when it is under his right hand but can find his mother hiding out in the backseat of a car."
"I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it."
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there."
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
"Youngsters of the age of 2 and 3 are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."
"A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste."
"I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows."
"I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined, 'Are you saving the bananas for anything?'"
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?"
"I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, 'Never mind! I'll do it myself.'"
"You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home."
"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed."
"When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States."
"Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the Tv set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed."
"No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday."
"Mother's words of wisdom: 'Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!'"
"I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said, 'It hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.'"
"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, 'What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on.'"
"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are re served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, 'Could I get you your check?' and we answered, 'How about the menu first?'"
"Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets carsick and who isn't kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what's going to happen if he doesn't get in right away. It's tough. If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together."
"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."
"Children make your life important."
"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding."
"Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think we have failed."
1975 - "As I was hiding from them in the backseat of the car just last week, it occurred to me that I don't know children at all. I'm raising three of them, and yet they remain one of life's greatest mysteries. For example, I don't understand how come a child can climb up on a roof, scale the TV antenna and rescue the cat, yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance. Or how come a child can eat yellow snow, kiss the dog on the lips, chew gum that he found in an ashtray, put his mouth over a muddy garden hose nozzle, and refuse to drink from a glass his brother has just used? Why is it he can stand wih one foot on first base while reaching out and plucking a baseball off the ground with the tips of his fingers, yet cannot pick up a piece of soap before it melts into the drain? ... How come I can trip over a kid's shoes under the kitchen sink, in the bathroom, on the front porch, under the coffee table, in the sandbox, in the car, in the clothes hamper and on the washer, but we can never find them when it is time to cut the grass? ... I'll never understand how a child can't even seem to find his English book when it is under his right hand but can find his mother hiding out in the backseat of a car."
and her 1974 Mother's Day tribute to mothers:
When God Created Mothers
by Erma Bombeck
When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of overtime when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around this one."
The Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? She has to becompletely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts ... all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that disappears when she stands up; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; and six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands? No way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks,'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"Lord", said the angel, toughing His sleeve gently, "Come to bed. Tomorrow--"
"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick ... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger ... and can get a 9-year-old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly and sighed, "It's too soft."
"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "it's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
When God Created Mothers
by Erma Bombeck
When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of overtime when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around this one."
The Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? She has to becompletely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts ... all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that disappears when she stands up; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; and six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands? No way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks,'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"Lord", said the angel, toughing His sleeve gently, "Come to bed. Tomorrow--"
"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick ... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger ... and can get a 9-year-old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly and sighed, "It's too soft."
"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "it's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
