3:57PM - I stood by the Primary Room door to catch my younger children (Primary ALWAYS gets out early - I guess their worn out teachers are DONE and need to go home to start the "resting" part of their "day of rest") and to wait for my older boys to come out of their classes and find us.
Jessica headed straight to back corner of the room though to say the Articles of Faith she's memorized (and collect her candy for doing so).
Nathan (Deacon's President) was going to help collect Fast Offerings.
Michael was busy stacking chairs and tidying up the building.
Jacob, though, came running to me asking, "can we say our 'Fast Prayer' NOW so we can eat?"
Once a month, we fast (go without eating or drinking) and we give the money we would have spent on those meals as our "Fast Offerings" which go to help families and individuals in difficult situations. As important as that is, more importantly, we take the opportunity to not focus on our own needs (such as hunger and thirst) and we pray for a specific cause. Often, each person has their own specific situation they choose to focus on, but sometimes families or the whole ward all fast and pray for a common purpose. During church, instead of having assigned speakers on those Sundays, a member of the Bishopric starts by sharing his testimony and then anyone from the congregation who wishes to share their testimony can also. It's definitely a 2 hanky Sunday. Then after church, families/individuals go home and say a prayer to break their fast, and bless their meal, and then they eat.
Small children don't start fasting until they are ready (decided by each family - when they're old enough to understand that we're praying for something important, like hurricane victims, or for rain in a drought year, or for someone who is ill, or for God's help in making a BIG IMPORTANT life decision). Jacob had breakfast but he fasted through lunch with us. But I guess by the time church was over, the wonderful spiritual specialness of it all was over for his 6 1/2 year old self. I took Jacob and Jessica home and when I started to say our prayer, Jacob piped up with, "Can I say it?" which we have learned is his way of saying, "I can tell this is going to be one of those long prayers big people do but if I say it, I can make it quick and short." I thanked him for offering and smiled at him in a "I know why you really volunteered" way and I said our prayer, during which he only fidgeted a little bit. What an almost big boy he is. Then we ate "cracker pizzas" and waited for Michael and Nathan to get home.
For several months in a row, Jessica wanted to share her testimony on Fast Sundays. The first time, she just suddenly grabbed my hand and wanted to go up. I was so happy for her, but not prepared (not that you need to be "prepared," you just say what's in your heart, but still, I like to take a deep breath and say a quick prayer first). We went up together and then she kind of pushed me in front to go first, and then she spoke after me. The next month, she did it to me again. By the third month, I was prepared and had been praying that the Lord would help me know what specific part of my testimony someone there needed to hear. Some months, as I opened my mouth, I'd talk about something I hadn't thought of until that moment, like when I felt I needed to share about how I KNOW that EVERY person is PRECIOUS to God and I told them about the sweet TINY babies I saw in the Intensive Care Nursery where Jacob, at only one month early and weighing 6 pounds, was a giant. That each of those tiny babies, and every baby carried in a mother's womb, is so precious to God and should be very precious to us too. And the month when I felt I needed to share about how GRATEFUL I am for my ancestors and our country's forefathers who sacrificed SO MUCH to provide a better life for their posterity, for me, so that we would have the freedoms we have today and how important it is to make sure we don't lose those freedoms. Then last month, we were away visiting family, and this month, Jessica just wanted to curl up on the bench with me and Jacob as we listened to the sweet strong testimonies others shared today.
I get "cloudy vision" and get bogged down and rushing and I need to stop and breathe and pray and share what's in my heart. I need to share my testimony more with my children. I KNOW God lives, that I am His daughter, that He loves me, He knows me, He wants me to return to Him when I have finished my life lessons here. I KNOW that Jesus Christ is our Savior, is MY Savior, that He knows my pain, my joys, that He gave His life for me, for all of us. I have prayed many times when I needed help, when I needed comfort and I have felt their love. I get so busy and so frustrated and so cranky and I need to stop and breathe and pray and let myself remember, and then work to keep that peace if I have to start rushng again, which in my life I most often do. This has been my prayer lately, to be able to think before I speak, to be aware and careful of my tone, and volume. To find moments and ways to draw us together as a team instead of bickering.
It has been really hard since Michael has been at a different school. The changes in schedules and in transportation needs and the communication gaps and mostly, just us not all being together in one place is really messing me up. Activities which used to bring us together, now feel like we're torn apart because we're literally not all together for them. Having the Preschool through 8th grade all on one campus, AND me doing my field experience there too, was such a blessing. I'm sure the high schoolers would hate it, but couldn't we build a small high school next door too? Then we can all be together again to cheer each other on for Cross Country and Basketball, and we can all stay after to play on the field together and have a picnic dinner some times, and we can go to one location in the morning and I can see each of my children at least once during their school day and I will KNOW where each of them are at the end of their day. And as much as I thought we used to be in the car all the time, that was nothing to how much we're in it now, except we're not even all together. It feels like Michael has left for some strange planet and every so often we get glimpses of him, like we've lost him. And Nathan will go soon too. It's so good to write things out and figure out what's bothering me. I'm losing them, they are closer to the age when they will leave then to the age when they first came to me. They're getting taller then me (which is fine) and their feet are bigger then mine (which is really fine - makes my big feet look dainty) and they take care of themselves, kind-of (which is really really good - wish they could do it more so and clean up after themselves) but they don't seem interested in each other, in us, in the family as much anymore - that's sad. We don't feel like a team, it often feels like every man for himself. Michael has often been our glue, our peacemaker, our strength, and because of location and timing, it seems we hardly see him, and then he's tired and needs some time to himself. I miss turning on "Look Through Heaven's Eyes" from "Prince of Egypt" real loud and dancing around the room with my 4 children until we're dizzy and we collapse giggling. They're busy doing good things, I'm busy doing good things, it's just we used to be busy doing those good things all together. I think my baby brother getting his mission call and heading to the other side of the world to be busy doing a great thing for 2 years, but not with us, and Michael looking down on me and needing to shave has just shocked me into realizing how soon it will be when Michael leaves. I will be SO happy for him, but I will have such a heart ache.
We did have a wonderful Christmas together. The kids worked so hard to make it special, and they really got along Christmas day. They played together, and sat next to each other, and talked to each other, and were patient with each other all day, like they hadn't done in a long time. Thank you kids, that was a beautiful day. I love you, Mom
"cracker pizzas"
*need: saltine crackers, squeeze bottle of pizza sauce, grated cheese
1. spread crackers out on paper plates
2. squirt a little (less then a teaspoon) of pizza sauce on each cracker
3. drop a pinch of grated cheese on each squirt of pizza sauce
4. eat outside - they're messy
(can also use other types of crackers and/or add additional toppings and/or toast/bake/microwave them)
