seven years ago

At about 7 months pregnant, I kept going into early labor, but if I sat, and put my feet up, and thought happy calm thoughts long enough, I could get it to stop for awhile. Jacob was "scheduled" to come in May, but he arrived a month early and was born Sunday morning, April 14, 2002, when labor just wouldn't be stalled any longer. I sang (or muttered or hummed or sang in my head) I Stand All Amazed to myself, and to my belly, over and over and over, to work through the contractions to get through the night and Jacob was born very quickly just barely after getting to the hospital in the morning - he was nearly born in the elevator or the hall. As they laid him on my stomach, he said, "Mom," clear as day. My friend Kim and the nurse and I all looked at each other and at him - yes we'd all really heard it - he said, "Mom." This was the first of many ways that Jacob, just a newborn, took care of and comforted me during what turned into a "storm" in our lives.

He had reddish brown hair and dark chocolate colored eyes and pale skin. Even though he was early, his first apgar score was good. He looked SO little and skinny and fragile to me though. He was 6 pounds, 12 ounces and 20 inches long, not a tiny baby, but tiny to me compared to his brothers. He had, still has, wide shoulders and a fairly big rib cage which looked so bony and he had (still has) BIG and LONG hands and feet, and I think he would have been a big guy like his brothers if he'd had that last month to add meat on his bones. He was very alert at first and looking into his eyes was like communicating with a very wise, very kind old man - a little spooky at first, but very soothing and comforting. Several times in the next few weeks it was if he were patting my hand and saying, "it's going to be okay mom, it's all going to be okay."

Michael 8 years old

Nathan 6 years old

Jessica 20 months old

One of the "rules" about naming the kids was that they each had to have a different first letter, which meant I couldn't use Jacob (one of my top favorite boys names, and seemed to FIT him so perfectly), so I called him Benjamin (another favorite name) when he was born. Several hours later, the name Jacob was suddenly "allowed" so I put Jacob James on his birth certificate papers real quick. Later, I realized I'd actually named him "Jacob" twice since the name James is a form of the name Jacob. I love his name though - may he always be doubly blessed to "follow God's will" and to be a leader. He was a gift from Heaven, sent to me "in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness" as a reminder of God's goodness. I often tell him, tell all my kids, about the prophets and great people they are named after, and that they are great too.

Although Jacob nursed really well right after birth, later he became very sleepy and I couldn't get him to really eat again. I remembered that newborns were usually wide awake right at first and then super sleepy for several hours. I was getting worried though by that night when he hadn't really latched on well and nursed again since that first time. I called for a nurse to come help me. All our visitors had left and it was just he and I with just a lamp on with a soft yellowish light. After the nurse saw how lethargic Jacob was becoming she turned on the main light and we both saw how yellow his skin had become. And his fingernails, lips and the whites of his eyes were pale orange! Jacob was rushed to the nursery and I insisted on going too. I sat near by, often only able to reach out and hold and stroke his foot, as they poked him taking blood to check on it, and poked him trying to get liquids into him. Soon I began the pattern of pumping my milk and getting him to take as much of it and of formula as possible to literally flush him out. I had enough milk but we needed him to consume AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE (more than double normal) so that he'd pee and poop as much as possible. He had that thick tar like mechonium for a couple weeks. They told me that one of the signs he was out of the woods was when he didn't poop that anymore. (Babies normally poop that their first time, or first few times, and then are done with it.) Another good sign would be when his color returned to normal. He was SO yellow and orange for a while - scary to look at your baby and the whites of his eyes are bright orange.

My blood type is negative and Jacob's is positive. Even though I'd had my shots to prevent the problems that can happen because of that combination, Jacob was having these difficulties anyway. They told me that either Jacob's problems were really severe but the shot was helping tame them a bit, enough that we caught it in time and he didn't die, or that the shot I got was a bad dose and didn't work at all. Either way, they said Jacob was fortunate he was born early and was at a hospital. So the first time I could have lost him, but blessedly didn't, was just after birth.

(article on Rh disease)

(article on bilirubin)

Jacob was put in a "biliblanket" where he laid on a strong thin white fabric stretched above a special light shining up on his skin with a "sleeper blanket" sewn to it covering him with just his head and hands out. It was in a bassinet on wheels so he was somewhat mobile, as long as he was near a plug. I was released as a patient the next day but Jacob was still a patient for quite a while. After signing my discharge papers, I just went straight to my rocking chair in the nursery by his side. The large hospital had several "waiting rooms" and had a tiny one just outside the nursery, with a small couch and an easy chair which I kind of took over. They let me wheel him out there sometimes to bond with him privately without so many other babies, parents, nurses, and doctors around. Also, I kept up with trying to nurse in addition to the many bottle feedings (so he would be able to just nurse when he was all better) and that was about the only time he could get out of his soft lit up "straight jacket." I cherished holding him and rocking him while he nursed.

Good friends and family took care of Michael, Nathan and Jessica for me, and I went to a friend's house somewhat close by to shower, but I pretty much lived at the hospital. I got to know the layout, the routine, and a lot of the people pretty well.




Although they were all very good to us, we had our favorites. Jacob flirted shamelessly with all the female nurses and doctors (that was the beginning of years worth of flirting with older women) and a young lab tech became my absolute favorite when she filled a plastic glove with very warm water and had me hold Jacob upright against me with that glove on his heel to help bring blood down there before she poked him to draw a blood sample - which they took 3 times a day, day after day, after day! Poor Jacob was such a pincushion, but she really cared and thought first before just poking at him yet again. I asked for it to be done that way each time after that, no matter who was on shift, and we alternated heels. When they tested the blood they'd get a bilirubin count. I was told if it went above 18, they needed to rush to do a transfusion. Venisa had his same blood type and she immediately offered to give him any blood he needed, which was all the more sweet because she was pregnant at the time. Jacob's favorite woman to make goo goo eyes at was Venisa, and I tell her it's because he must have known she was so willing to do that for him. His count was going down slowly but then it went up to 18.0 and they immediately sent him to the intensive care nursery (ICN) and an incubator with lights instead of just the biliblanket setup. Thankfully, his next score was lower instead of higher and he didn't need the transfusion after all.

Even though Jacob had a new set of nurses to flirt with and more freedom to wiggle, he wasn't as happy in his new pad. He wasn't really movable anymore and he only had the same patch of ceiling to stare at for days, except he hardly even saw it because he had to wear a cover over his eyes to protect them from the lights shining in on him. He was not happy about the eye cover and got it off as often as possible. He did discover a new game though. In the ICN they kept several monitors on him to check his heart rate, his breathing, his oxygen level, his temperature, etc. Each had a wire connecting a machine to a strong sticker on his skin. Jacob thrilled in getting a good hold of those wires with his toes or fingers and yanking, disconnecting them, setting off beeps and alarms, got the nurses coming to him, and Jacob just laid back with a sly grin. I sat on a chair right by him most of the time and my part of the game was to keep him from pulling the wires loose and his eyecover off and to put them back if he succeeded. I sat by him, usually holding a hand or a foot, but that was it for a few days except to take him out to nurse. He just stayed in there, being flipped over every so many hours for even light exposure. I sang to him (such as my voice is capable of singing) and told him stories and showed him pictures of his brothers and sister he'd briefly met before. By that point though, I was also gone for several hours at a time, at court, and I was a worried emotional wreck of a person. Most of the time he looked bored silly couped up in there, but then there were the times when he would look straight and deep in my eyes and his wise soul seemed to tell my completely exhausted and scared soul, "it's okay Mom, I'll take care of you now, just rest, it will be okay."

I had grabbed a triple frame of the kids before leaving for the hospital and Jacob and I had it with us through everything

(pictures taken July & Oct 2001)

Jacob was the giant of the ICN and appeared the healthiest, except for his orange eyes, and he was definitely capable of being the loudest although he was usually the quietest. The other babies in there were about 4 pounds and had tiny hands and little heads and bitty lungs and vocal cords and their loudest cries were high pitched and quiet as far as newborn cries go. They needed oxygen and IVs, and possible infection was a scarier thing for them so some of them hardly ever got out. Jacob got a new neighbor his second day in the ICN, a beautiful 2 pound newborn girl with a bit of dark curls on her head and absolutely gorgeous bright eyes. She was perfect, with delicate little hands and feet, her sweet little face "screaming" (sounded like a bitty kitten) letting the world know she'd arrived. Her daddy came in with the crew that brought her in and swarmed around her. I could tell which one he was right away - he was the one so tightly wound around her bitty little finger. He adored her and talked so cute to her and he didn't notice anyone else in the crowded room. After awhile, he left to go be with his wife again, and I had to leave too so I told Jacob, who was only a week older but 3 times her size, "now have fun with your new friend and introduce her to everyone and make her feel welcome and DON'T teach her to pull out wires. She really needs hers!" I had still been thinking of Jacob as SO tiny and skinny (compared to my other babies) but seeing her, I finally got it when the nurses kept saying he was SO big.

The day finally came when Jacob's bilirubin score was low enough, and he could be released. I wondered if Heavenly Father had sat with Jacob before he came to Earth, and told him, "You're going to have a lot of difficulties when you're born but you'll be okay. Your Mom has some very tough choices and things she needs to do and your health difficulties are going to actually help so that she can do what she needs to." And I'd look in those wise eyes which had comforted me and seemed to guide me so many times and I imagined Jacob had said, "It's okay Heavenly Father, I can do that," and willingly, knowingly come. Of course I don't know for sure it happened that way, but being at the hospital all that time, being out of our house and in a different environment, seeing and hearing and experiences the things I did during those 9 days, having the freedom - even in a crowded hospital - to sit and think and pray without fear helped me see and do what I needed to. Each hospital staff person I had had a conversation with (I'm sure that one by one, at certain times, in a certain order, God had them be where I was, and in a mood to open up and share personal experiences) helped lead me to it. Specific visitors I had, the very sweet, and the very scary, helped lead me to it. And through it all, Jacob's bilirubin score moved up and down and then spiked up and then came down which had kept him in the hospital and had moved him to the ICN. I returned to the hospital from the courthouse with a signed protective order, authorities served someone said protective order, and Jacob's next blood reading said he could be released. He left the hospital in a hospital carseat, wearing an adorable way too big sleeper with happy frogs on it that said "PEDS" (pediatrics) on the back and a hospital cap and blanket and diapers. Wonderfully kind people took all 5 of us to a safe hidden place and we all slept under the same roof again, and bonded again. Thank you to "my army" of friends and family and angels.

The next week, Jacob stopped breathing, 911 was called and CPR done, rides in abulances, more hospitals, more tests, more needle pokes, more wires to pull and yank out, more alarms to set off, more pretty nurses and doctors he flirted with. They finally discovered he had sleep apnea and he was on a portable monitor for months. We still have our Jacob. Thank you Heavenly Father.


Eventually he outgrew the sleep apnea and other difficulties from being being born preterm. Jacob is still with us after blood problems, and breathing problems, and all the accidents he gets himself into with how ACTIVE he his, and even with how non-thinking-it-through-first he jumps right in to explore the world. Again, thank you Heavenly Father - and thank you to Jacob's guardian angels who must be exhausted trying to keep up with him.

For the next 2 1/2 years, there were many court dates, mucho paperwork, confidential addresses, moving, changes, new schools, some okay and some SCARY visitations, lots of praying, priesthood blessings, decisions to make, lots of wonderful new people who worked with us, applying for new programs, LOTS of doctor check-ups for Jacob, court allowed visits to extended family, the court allowed relocation to my beloved Apple Hill, and finally - sole custody.